I have been trying to understand and work on projects that investigate how the amorphous, emergent set of artefacts and behaviours we call technology relates to, shapes and is shaped by the worlds it creates and exists within.

I started by building it in physical terms - throughout an engineering degree I welded, coded, tinkered and designed physical and digital systems with a sharp edged scientific foundation. My degree finished with an investigation of how engineering practices are deeply cultural that prevent them from simply being exported from Japan to the West, unlike the commodities and products they are inextricably tied to.

So began the softer side of technology - how was it applied to the real world beyond equations and prototypes? I worked in startups and attempted to apply tech to organising a very old news company. Eventually I found Entrepreneur First which illuminated the funding of the application of deep tech research. How do ideas change when reshaped into a startup desparate to attract funding? Research with Stephen Hawking becomes applicable to helping keep children safe online.

The macro picture started to emerge. Follow the money. The extent of state involvement was staggering to me, and beyond tired icons like Singapore or Estonia. The british government was bankrolling, through hard cash and softer incentives, startups usually via their investors. Suddenly all I saw were examples of how the state is already picking winners whether we want to admit it or not. With this and a desire to make my own path I hopefully packaged up my ambition and sent it to the biggest brand of universities I knew for a master's in tech policy.

The degree was fine but smothered by its somewhat dissonant housing within a business school within a millenium old institution. A time to stop and think deeply about subjects which require a reformulation, no matter how derivative, was crucial for me to stop the momentum I had been part of so far in order to redirect.

Simultaneously, a deep undercurrent of post structural questioning. Starting with romantic relationships and then all at once, everything. The binarity of monogamy, sexuality, success, health, institutional prestige all disappeared. The world became worlds and I was scattered across them.

I hadn't quite realised this yet but through a deep fascination/distraction in speculative fiction and the power it has over what futures are imaginable and desirable, I found the exploration of conceptual dependencies upon which our worlds are built to be the only thing I could spend time on.

A speculative application to an esoteric institution and a summer tasting each moment as if it were my last catapulted me into a Californian Transformation of the Human. Within a cohort, words and experiences were put to many of the dissonances we had encountered along our own artistic, academic, technical and emotional journeys.

My heart had been torn into shreds parting ways with The One I had adored for the past five years in the UK. Now, in an American Dream next to burnt out cars and to the soundtrack of gunshots, I fell in love with a way of being and a group of gorgeous people who constituted each breath along the way.

All that was left of categorical boundaries were fuzzy areas of exchange. Ideas, feelings, references, world events all merged into a deeply interconnected network. Did I want to make out with the people with whom I was psychedelically intertwined or with their ideas and experiments that manifested from them. It was an impossible question because they were all one and the same. And I wanted to be completely immersed.

The possibilities of worlds that could be and their frontier experiences were tantalising. Bringing them into existence however felt almost impossible besides occasional moments of pure bliss when exposed to the rich worlds of artists and scientists alike.

Now, I am left with fragments of potentiality. They cut into my hands and mind when grasped too tightly hoping for something to emerge.

My vision now a trypophobic's nightmare of rabbit holes each with beauty and partial answers to questions tumbling around inside of me.

What are we looking for? What do we want to relate to? How can we live well? What can I do? How do we communicate these thoughts?

If you believe your world is worth inhabiting then it is your responsibility to make it enticing. The cold indeterminacy of art acknowledges our meandering sense of being lost. The hot definite promises of slogans and billboards provide a comfort in certainty. Neither can be right and it is in this space of not being right I want to remain.

Industry or subject specificity have never provided me the inspiration and beauty like the relationality within celebrations of and investigations into what our experiences _feel_ like. Does this mean I have foregone the opportunity to really apply myself or achieve my full potential? Perhaps. It's unlikely I'll be world class in any particular craft. But being in these moments of celebration and investigation, whipping them up, making connections between people and offering glimpses at views of the world not seen before. This is where I am alive.

I skim over and forget the decade of professional singing I have done, as if it was a distraction, a thing in my past. It was not the singing but the performance that enchanted me.

Performance lived quietly in the history of cultural movements, largely private and unrecorded. The performances of Dada birthed the jarring ambiguous precision of performance art, surrealism, and an earnest stupidity required to notice beauty in what can feel like an eternal confrontation with crisis. The world is always ending but the performance is unique, relational, and immersive. An ephemeral moment in the journey of performer and viewer as they continue to make sense of the life they lead.

I aspire to earnest performativity - together we play roles, we wear masks, we rehearse our lines and then make mistakes, we improvise. This is all there is and it is beautiful.